Let me begin by saying this: the goal of today’s blog is not to compare abuse, trauma, or pain. The objective is to bring a level of awareness and validation to a type of abuse that is seldom “seen” (in a literal sense), talked about, or acknowledged. And answering the question: why is that? 

My hope is that the world gains a little bit more depth and understanding of what emotional abuse can actually look like, and help validate your experience if you find yourself relating to anything we touch on. And if you do: 

I’m deeply sorry—and I hope healing finds you.
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What is emotional abuse?

Well, that is a great and loaded question. The difficulty with defining “emotional abuse” is that it can take many forms, is often covert, and involves a good amount of psychological manipulation—all of which makes “recognizing it” even more complex. 

Defining anything in life, particularly psychological phenomena, involves understanding something fully. “Fully” understanding something as multilayered as emotional abuse requires awareness (often hindered by stigma), education, and even acknowledgement. 

‍Societal acknowledgement, meaning acknowledging that this is happening every day to people around us (from strangers to people we know) as well as personal acknowledgement, which means stepping outside of our own denial, shame, and feelings of guilt. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, it is.

Let’s start with the basics. According to Psychology Today, emotional abuse is defined as “a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings.” ^{(https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/emotional-abuse)}

While this definition does its best to offer a concise, accurate and articulate rationale, it is of course, oversimplified. Despite this, it does identify one very important component: control. And maybe not the kind you’re thinking.

Signs of emotional abuse

While we expect “signs” to be obvious to us and to others, emotional abuse does not necessarily adhere to this rule of thumb. Another important point to mention is that none of us are completely invulnerable to emotional/narcissistic abuse, and anyone can be emotionally abusive. A family member, a friend, a colleague at work, a boss, a leader… You get the gist. 

To keep it as simple as possible, I’ve categories signs into two sections: covert (not so obvious, open, or apparent) and overt (obvious, open, more apparent).
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Covert:

The five most common covert signs of emotional abuse include:

• Silent Treatment
  
  • Withdrawing communication as a form of punishment, often leaving the person confused, anxious, or desperate for resolution. This is a power play attempting to regain control rather than be vulnerable. Occasionally, a person may very well feel overwhelmed in conflict and withdraw. Although this is not the same as the silent treatment, it is always up to the person to express and communicate how they are feeling (including feelings of overwhelm) to the other. Otherwise, the person receiving the silent treatment is learning that there are consequences to conflict when there should not be. Conflict is inevitable. Healthy conflict is essential to foster safety and trust.
• Emotional Withholding
    Deliberately withholding affection, validation, or emotional support as  
  a way to control or punish you. This can look like avoiding touch,
  communication, love, and affection towards someone as a form of
  punishment to avoid vulnerability, once again.
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Indirectly expressing anger or resentment through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or intentional forgetfulness.

• Subtle Undermining
  
  • Quietly eroding your confidence through dismissive comments, "jokes" at your expense, or consistently downplaying your achievements.
• Triangulation
  
  • Involving a third party such as a family member or friend to mobilise emotion against the other person as a form of retaining control of their image (other people's perception of them is quite important, more so than communicating healthily and the impact that this all has has on the victim).

Overt: 

The five most common overt signs of emotional abuse include:

1. Verbal Attacks and Criticism
   
   • Insults, put-downs, name-calling, or belittling remarks aimed at lowering your self-esteem or making you feel inferior.
2. Gaslighting
   
   • Making someone doubt their perceptions, memories, or reality, often using phrases like, "You're overreacting," "That never happened”, “You’re just so sensitive”, “It’s not that bad”, If you really loved me you wouldn’t act like this”, “I’m only doing this because I love you”, “Who is putting that in your head?” and “Wow, you can’t take a joke?”.
3. Controlling Behaviors
   
   • Attempts to dominate aspects of your life, such as monitoring your activities, dictating your choices such as hobbies, education or partner, or even isolating you from loved ones.
4. Excessive Blame or Shaming
   
   • Holding you responsible for everything that goes wrong, blaming you for their emotions, or using guilt as a way to manipulate you. This can sound like “I do everything for you and this is how you treat me?”, “You will regret this”, and  “You always have to bring things up and you can never let it go” when you speak out on their manipulation, or want to resolve healthily.
5. Threats and Intimidation
   
   • Using threats (emotional, financial, or physical) to instill fear or compliance, or making you feel unsafe for expressing your thoughts. Examples include: giving and taking away, asking you to speak and becoming reactive, blocking someone on social media, saying they will tell others “what you did”, threatening to be less involved in your life, or in severe cases, threatening to take legal action and calling authorities to make the victim look like the abuser.

Of course, there are other common signs, such as:

• Guilt-tripping
• Emotional neglect
• Love bombing
• Having frequent outbursts
• Feigning helplessness to get closer to you again (repeating the cycle)
• Unpredictability (they might have what seems like a tantrum, only to shower you with affection later)
• Invalidating your experience and feelings
• Minimizing 
• Playing the victim 
• Shutting down
• Vindictiveness
• Difficulty taking accountability
• Issues with self-reflection

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One of the most difficult aspects of emotional trauma is to face two opposite truths: that someone we love or know is capable of kindness, affection, good moments, and emotional abuse.

Oftentimes, this is when therapy becomes the most helpful. Therapy helps unpack the range or intense buried emotion that inevitably comes with this recognition. This can feel simultaneously freeing, and utterly terrifying. What does it all mean for them? What does it mean for me?
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Final thoughts 

Did you know that our brains process emotional pain and physical pain similarly? When compared, research has shown time and again that emotional and physical pain activate the same brain regions.  And this is key. Here’s why:

Every time I hear something along the lines of “emotional abuse is not as harmful as other types of abuse”  or “it’s not that bad” I say: 

Oh, really? Then help me understand how it is “easier” to show a psychological wound to others despite it feeling just as deep as a physical one? To show them the extent of the pain, the suffering, the loneliness, the isolation, and the confusion it brings when we have nothing to show for? After all, the world relies on facts. How do we help others understand that we doubt our own reality – questioning if it even happened? Was it really that bad? And what if we can’t find the words because we don’t recognize it as abuse yet? How will I ever give myself permission to say “hey, I am a victim” when the only evidence I have is my recollection, which is constantly being invalidated, dismissed, manipulated, and distorted? I cannot simply point and show you… but it hurts just the same.

The helplessness is so great, it can cause anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

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Why do people “emotionally abuse”?

People engage in harmful behaviors for a number of reasons. However, at its core, an antagonistic person has the desperate need to control their perceived image. This is the kind of control we are talking about, and is a direct result of their fluctuating or likely low self-esteem, self-worth, and value. This is what matters above all else, typically subconsciously. They are generally not aware of their wounds, and how it impacts people around them. Some of these wounds include: living through abuse themselves, not learning how to healthily communicate, seeing or witnessing emotional abuse of their own and thinking it is “normal”, and most of all, abandonment wounds. The fear of not being enough, accepted, or lovable. Of being left. This is what they protect at their core. And although we can empathize with their lived traumas, we do not ever have to accept their proceeding, harmful actions.

‍This is exactly where we need to learn to give ourselves permission to draw the line. 

It’s not you.

Antagonistic individuals are more likely to have lower self-reflection capacity, a great amount of shame, and self-esteem issues. Oftentimes, this is exactly what is projected onto the victim, and the victim begins to show signs and symptoms as part of the outcome. As you can see, this becomes somewhat of a vicious cycle. 

Projected hurt is a strong predictor of emotional abuse. Period.

And if you are someone who experiences low self-esteem, it doesn't mean you are automatically antagonistic. How do you sit with your shame; shame we all carry? How do you self-reflect and grow? ‍

How you ACT towards yourself and others is what determines abuse, not how you feel. ‍

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How does emotional abuse tie into narcissism?

Emotional wounds are only loud for the victim. Otherwise, it’s intentionally quiet. A narcissistic individual might show some or all signs mentioned above, since they are unable to accurately put themselves in someone else's shoes; and their shame and fears of being seen as weak or vulnerable will win, every single time. 

If someone you know is sharing their emotional trauma, please be mindful of sentences like: “well they never did anything bad to me”, or “I don’t think they would do that…” or even “but they are your family/friend, surely they did not mean it that way”. 

That person who just shared a very vulnerable part of their lives with you? Yeah, they know their reality. But most of all, they are all too aware of the risk they are taking by speaking out on an invisible wound.

If you have difficulty trusting your own judgement, seeking support is the best way for you to untangle the knots, and make sense of what you’re feeling and/or experiencing. 
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Let’s end things off with what to look for in a healthy relationship dynamic (for funsies!):

• Communicating feelings vs. reacting to them
• This fosters emotional safety
• Empathy
• Allowing you to take up space and speak up
• Actively listening
• Respect
• Accountability
• A strong sense of self and relationship non-negotiables

If you’ve experienced emotional abuse, know you are not alone and healing invisible wounds is possible. Sharing this blog can help uncover the unseen, validate others' experiences, and create a path toward healing. Together, we can make a difference.

You are worthy, and until next time 👋

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🫶Your therapist bestie, 
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Michelle Lauzon, M.Ed., RP, NATC.

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